Privately, many women worldwide experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from miscarriage(s), still birth, Ectopic pregnancy and SIDS.

I have been able to cope with my multiple miscarriages by being active with church and pushing my self to move forward with my education. However, there are times that I experience a “trigger” and it sets off my PTSD. That is where my world goes dark and I have to fight to snap out of it. A “trigger” can cause flashbacks, severe anxiety, nightmares and sometimes self-destructive behavior.

Mild PTSD: After my 6th pregnancy loss, I wasn’t quite strong enough to go back to work. However, I forced myself to be strong and face the world after having 2 weeks off. No more hiding, no more grieving or self-pity. My manager was kind enough to give me a whole month off, but I knew my husband was stressed about bills. I was on bed rest most of the pregnancy, so I had to suck it up and financially help my husband pay our bills. I thought I was pretty strong. It seemed to get easier as the people in my life helped me normalize my life again.

Until the first of many medical bills came. I opened up an envelope with the name of my OB’s office on it. It stated that I owed money for my weekly ultrasounds, blood work, testing for the baby I had lost and Hospital bills for the D&C. My hands started shaking as it brought brought back traumatic memories.

Thankfully, I was ready to go out for a run when I opened that letter. So I put away the letter and ran until all those dark feelings and memories went away.

But I didn’t experience true PTSD until after my 6th loss and once before my D&C. here are some experiences I had to face with my PTSD.

The Last ultrasound: I came into the high risk doctors office, signed in and was ready for my 12 week ultrasound. I was so happy that I got this far with my pregnancy but nervous at the same time because of my history of losses. So with my full bladder, I was anxiously waiting for them to call me back for the ultrasound.

They call me back and lay on the exam table, pull up my shirt and we began the ultrasound. As soon as I saw the baby on the screen my heart dropped. My baby was not moving at all. I stayed quiet as I was in shock and the ultrasound tech steps out the room without saying a word. The high risk doctor comes in seconds later and then begins the ultrasound again. Tears ran down my face and my body went numb. It was a traumatic Deja Vu. The doctor then turns off the ultrasound machine and says “I’m sorry” as she already knew that I knew what had happened. I sit up, wipe the tears off my face and asked that I have a D&C as soon as possible. As soon as I started speaking I knew I was in shock because I felt like a robot with water coming out of my eyes. So many flashbacks and pain came to me at that moment.

The Christmas stocking (Post Miscarriage): Every year my mom decorates our whole house for Christmas. She does an incredible job and the holiday spirit is felt all around the house. This year my Nieces and nephew are visiting from Utah to spend Christmas with us, which makes my heart so happy. While decorating our home my mom hangs up a pink stocking on our chimney that said “Baby’s first Christmas”, this was for my new-born baby niece. That one stocking triggered my PTSD without a warning so I slowly got up, swallowed the pain and locked myself in a room as I knew that I was going to have a meltdown because I was expecting a baby girl January 2018. I was confused why it triggered me because I don’t mind being around babies or children but that one Christmas stocking broke my heart and my brain felt like it turned into Mush. Flashbacks of when I woke up in pain and in tears after surgically removing my baby and the doctor telling me that I will find out the sex of my child after testing is done. Another flash back was when I came in for a follow-up appointment and my doctor told me that I was expecting a girl.

Post PTSD: I have a few more trigger stories however I tell you these experiences for a reason. Nope, not to have pity with me but to tell you other experiences/feelings I had during those dark moments. While I had that PTSD moment at my last ultrasound, I felt as if heavenly father was holding me and showing me all the love in the world. Though I was stiff and broken, I couldn’t deny that heavenly father was there for me. I felt the spirit whisper into my heart telling me that he needed someone special to get pregnant with these angels. Some may feel anger towards God and think “Why me?” and I can understand where those feelings can come from but at that moment I knew that this all happened for a reason. I was open to seek any guidance from the spirit in those moments. Heavenly father needed me to be strong and keep bearing children despite fearing the outcome.

After My breakdown with the Christmas stocking, I felt my daughter’s presence as I cried till my face was swollen and fell into an Anxiety attack. While battling that darkness, I could feel a hand on my back but no one was there. I felt that hand on my back until my husband came in the room to wipe my tears and shared with me words of motivation. He held me and I couldn’t stop crying because of the mixed emotions but despite the darkness that tried to break me, there was a light that was even stronger. These experience’s have made my husband and I challenge our strength and faith. We walk hand in hand through these trials.

PTSD is real and can sneak up on you when you least expect it, but do not lose hope. Though you may fall on your knees with a broken heart, think about the time Jesus Christ was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane and was suffering for all the things we are going through now. We are not alone, you are not alone. When you feel no one understands you, he does.

Prayer and acting on faith is key to finding strength. Good luck to all mother’s out there fighting to find the light at the end of that dark tunnel. I Pray for you and I am here to listen to you. There is such thing as a “Happily ever after” do not lose your hope.